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Church Life....
A preacher talking to a farmer asked,
"Do you belong to the Christian family?"
"No." said the farmer, "they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"When is it?"
"It could be today or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"
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Mouths of Babes....
On their way home from church, a little boy asked his mother, "Is it true that we are made of dust like the pastor said?" "Yes, darling," his mother answered. "And is it true that we go back to dust when we die?" "Yes, dear," his mother replied. "Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going."
A little boy observed his daddy who was a pastor come out of the bath room with little peices of tissue papper stuck all over his face. Concerned, the little boy said,"daddy what happen to your face". The daddy then replied,"Son its ok daddy was concentrating on his morning sermon and cut his self shaving. The little boy looked up at his mother and said," I sure wish daddy would concentrate more on his shaving and cut his sermon".
"Johnny Sings a New Song"
Little Johnny was having a big time skipping rocks in the lake
last week when he managed to slip up on a big old water snake,
sunning himself on a cypress knee at the water's edge. Now,
there's nothing Little Johnny likes more than killing snakes.
A few minutes later he came barreling into the house, holding
that dead snake by the tail and hollering for his mama-who
just happened to be having the preacher and his wife in for
coffee. Karen, Little Johnny's mama, is the church hostess
down at the Baptist Church. They were discussing the cottage
prayer meeting coming up before the spring revival.
Little Johnny didn't see their guests right off. He was looking
for his Mama. Soon as he saw her he started waving his snake
in the air.
"Look a here, Mama. I done slipped up on this big old snake.
Can you believe how big he is? What type of snake do you
think he is? I bet he's a mean old cottonmouth!"
His mama put up her hand to slow him down, but he was too
excited. "Mama, I hit him over the head with Papa's shovel
and then I dragged him up the lake bank and poked him some
more and then I cut his head off to make sure he was dead.
And then"-about that time Little Johnny saw his Mama cutting
her eyes to her guests. That's the first time Little Johnny saw the
preacher. It startled the child, but just for a minute.
Little Johnny cradled that old dead snake in both hands, hung
his head, and tried his best to hit a sad note. "And then, Mama,
and then-the Lord called the poor thing home."
A 6 year old told his dad, "Dad I know God's name do you ?"
Dad said , "You do? What is it."
"Its Andy." said the child.
Dad said, "How do you know that ?"
The child said, "When we go to church they always say his name in song. Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnn..... and into the hole he
gooooes."
A little boy was asked after attending Sunday School what he had learned.
The little boy said, I learned that God's name is "Harold". "Harold ?".....asked his mom
"Who told you God's name was Harold ?" It says it right in the Bible.........Our father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name."
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
A 7-year old boy proudly tells his father: "I finally know what the Bible means!" Surprised the father replied: "What do you mean, you "know" what the Bible means? What does it mean?"
"That's easy, dad.......It stands for
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."
Jamie- "God how long is a million years to you?"
God- "It is but a second Jamie."
Jamie- "God how much is a million dollars to you?"
God- "It is but a penny to me."
Jamie- "God can I have a penny?"
God- "Just a second."
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The Real World....
Mathmatical View Point:
If: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+4+12+4+7+5 = 96%
but:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+5 = 100%
and look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D 11+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
Actual signs in front of churches:
If I kick the one responsible for most of my troubles, I wouldn't be able to sit for two weeks.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.
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Bible Trivia & Smiles....
"For God so loVed
the world,
That
He gAve
His
onLy
BegottEn
SoN
That
whosever
Believeth
In
Him
Should
Not
perish,
But have
Everlasting
life."
John
3:16
Did you know that:
1. Psalm 118 is the middle chapter of the entire Bible?
2. Psalm 117 is the shortest chapter in the Bible?
3. Psalm 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible?
4. The Bible has 594 chapters before Psalm 118 and 594 chapters after Psalm 118?
5. If you add up all the chapters except Psalm 118, you get a total of 1188 chapters.
6. 1188 or Psalm 118:8 is the middle verse of the entire Bible? Should the central verse not have an important message?
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8
How many animals did Moses take on the Ark?
None. Moses didn't go on the ark, Noah did.
Who was the most ambitious man in the Bible?
(Jonah- even a whale coudn't keep him down)
Who was the first canning factory run by?
(Noah- he had a boatful of preserved pairs)
What was one of the first example of math in the Bible?
(God told Adam to go forth and mulitply)
Adam was returning home late one night. Eve confronted him. "You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.
"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."
Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest. "What are you doing?" he asked Eve.
"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."
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Miscellaneous....
me: will you remember me in a week?
you: yes
me: will you remember me in a month?
you: yes
me: will you remember me in a year?
you: yes
me: will you remember me in 10 years?
you: yes
me: will you remember me in 20 years?
you: yes
me: knock,knock
you: who's there?
me: see...you forgot me !!!
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
God is watching Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
A couple of hunters (Alabama fans) are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other bama fan starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone to call for help.
He frantically blurts out to the operator, O my God! I think my buddy is dead! What can I do?
The operator, trying to calm him down says, "Take it easy sir. I can help you. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he is dead."
There was a short pause, and the operator hears a loud BOOM. The Alabama fan then comes back on the line and says, "Okay, now what?"
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Send an email : "CLICK HERE to open your email program"
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Allow 24 to 48 hours for it to appear once accepted.
Categories :
Church Life
Mouths of Babes
The Real World
Bible Trivia & Smiles
Miscellaneous
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